It’s Hard Being Infertile at Christmas

I have discovered that this time of year for me is really bittersweet.  Being everyone’s favorite Auntie is great, but when there is a hole in your heart where your own child should have been, it makes Christmastime really difficult for me.

Staying here at my mother’s doesn’t help very much.  Bob and I had Christmas traditions that we just can’t do here.  I can’t put out my tree, or my ornaments, or my nativity set.  I can’t go to church tonight because we have to go to my niece’s to celebrate the baby’s first birthday.

Bob and I used to light a fire, have a few drinks or glasses of wine, snuggle by the fire, and watch It’s a Wonderful Life, while looking at our tree, and enjoying each other’s company.  Now, we are not in our own place, I don’t have my own things, and I’m watching everyone else focus on the children and their own traditions, and I just feel like a majorly sad third wheel.

I need to get back to some sort of normal in the new year, where Bob and I are back in our own place.  It has to happen or I may lose my mind.

I know I have to get used to the fact that the vision I had for myself, of being surrounded by my own family at Christmas, well, that just isn’t going to happen.  I love my step-daughters, but it isn’t the same.  They have their own lives, and quite honestly, the relationships we have with them (except for the youngest) has dwindled over the years.

I want to play Santa.  I want to tuck my babies into bed after church on Christmas eve.  I want to be our own family, in our own home, with our own traditions.

Instead, we are the afterthoughts.  The ones no one pays much attention to, unless of course, we forget to give a gift or something.

I know a great deal of this self-pity and wallowing has to do with Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Much also has to do with me reconciling to the fact that what I once wanted is not going to happen.

I don’t want to be sad at Christmas.  I also don’t want to hear it when people tell me that God had other plans for me.  He may have, but it doesn’t make it hurt less.

Anyway, Merry Christmas to you and yours.  May your days be merry and bright.  My you be surrounded by love and light.



2016 Resolutions

Yeah, I know.

But I’m making them anyway.

My resolutions for 2016 are about me.  Taking time for ME.  Making ME a priority.  Doing the things that I love.

I resolve to take the time to read a book a month.  My full time job and owning my own business take time away from me reading.  I’m going to get back to that.

I resolve to anger more slowly and not let thing affect me as deeply.

I resolve to put myself first once in a while instead of worrying about what every one else things.

I resolve to live more in the moment.

And of course, I resolve to continue my exercise routine.  Because it makes me feel good.

What about you?

You Have to Be Kidding Me

I had my annual physical yesterday – which is a laugh in and of itself because I have so many doctors, why bother with the physical?


I have had this hard spot in my stomach for a few months.  It doesn’t hurt, and my colonoscopy was normal, so I wasn’t worried about it.  I pointed it out yesterday.  It’s a hernia.


Yup.  Do I need surgery?  No.  Thankfully.  Just a binder.  It doesn’t bother me.  My doctor couldn’t figure out why I had it, but I explained to him that I have had two pretty extensive abdominal surgeries (gastric bypass and open hysterectomy).  He said my hysterectomy shouldn’t have contributed to it, but then I explained to him that they had to open me up all the way to my chest because I was full of cancer.

His reply?  “Yup, that would do it.”

I swear if it isn’t one thing, it’s another.

Fun times.