I have discovered that this time of year for me is really bittersweet. Being everyone’s favorite Auntie is great, but when there is a hole in your heart where your own child should have been, it makes Christmastime really difficult for me.
Staying here at my mother’s doesn’t help very much. Bob and I had Christmas traditions that we just can’t do here. I can’t put out my tree, or my ornaments, or my nativity set. I can’t go to church tonight because we have to go to my niece’s to celebrate the baby’s first birthday.
Bob and I used to light a fire, have a few drinks or glasses of wine, snuggle by the fire, and watch It’s a Wonderful Life, while looking at our tree, and enjoying each other’s company. Now, we are not in our own place, I don’t have my own things, and I’m watching everyone else focus on the children and their own traditions, and I just feel like a majorly sad third wheel.
I need to get back to some sort of normal in the new year, where Bob and I are back in our own place. It has to happen or I may lose my mind.
I know I have to get used to the fact that the vision I had for myself, of being surrounded by my own family at Christmas, well, that just isn’t going to happen. I love my step-daughters, but it isn’t the same. They have their own lives, and quite honestly, the relationships we have with them (except for the youngest) has dwindled over the years.
I want to play Santa. I want to tuck my babies into bed after church on Christmas eve. I want to be our own family, in our own home, with our own traditions.
Instead, we are the afterthoughts. The ones no one pays much attention to, unless of course, we forget to give a gift or something.
I know a great deal of this self-pity and wallowing has to do with Seasonal Affective Disorder. Much also has to do with me reconciling to the fact that what I once wanted is not going to happen.
I don’t want to be sad at Christmas. I also don’t want to hear it when people tell me that God had other plans for me. He may have, but it doesn’t make it hurt less.
Anyway, Merry Christmas to you and yours. May your days be merry and bright. My you be surrounded by love and light.