Rough Week and All Full of Emotions

Last week was rough.  I’m not going to lie.  Chemo is something that builds up in your system over time, and this past one was the worst yet.  I was so sick last week.  Sicker than I’d ever been, but I rode the storm, roughed it out, and now I’m on the other side of the worst of it.  Still feeling rough, but definitely much better than I’d been.  My joints will never return to normal (per my oncologist – he said that damage is permanent), but I can eat again, and my migraines are gone.  Thing is, food still tastes funny and I still can’t get through the day without a nap.

I went for blood work yesterday and it was not a happy experience.  Four needle sticks before they were able to tap into a vein.  What they don’t tell you about chemo is that it really does damage to your veins.  And with all the needle sticks I’ve had, I have a ton of scar tissue, so it’s kind of hard to tap into a good one.  At least I had a phlebotomist who understood, and it didn’t hurt until she finally found one that she could use.  Unfortunately that one was in my lower arm, and it is just in a painful spot.  I was bruising before she was even done.  I have a few more needle sticks to go over the next couple of weeks, and I’m so NOT looking forward to them.

I have my scan this Friday.  This is where the mixed emotions are coming in.  I’m so scared that the cancer has come back.  I have no reason to be, as I’ve had no symptoms, but still, I’m not sure with my cancer where to look for those symptoms any way.  I mean, it’s not like I’m going to have horrible periods anymore, or cramps, or anything that led me to my diagnosis before.  My oncologist says I shouldn’t worry about it – everything down there looks good (by the way, internal exams are excruciating now) and I have not had any swelling or pain, so he’s pretty sure everything is still clear.  Here’s hoping.

I see my oncologist again on Monday, the 18th, and then he’ll decide if I can go back to work.  Now here’s where the crux comes in.  You see, this whole thing has caused my husband and I to do some MAJOR soul-searching.  And while we love our home, I’m homesick for Delaware.  I want to be closer to my mom and my sister, and my friends, and on top of that, I’m really very ready for a career change.  Some things have happened at work over the past three years that culminated in me once again being passed up for a promotion while I was out, and I’m kind of just done with that place.  So, the past couple of weeks, I’ve been looking for a job in Delaware.  Our plan is to move in the next 24 months.  I’m disappointed in the people I work with and the managers I’ve had who have promised to get me promoted over the past three years and then pass me up for one while I’m out sick.  I’ve busted my butt, and I deserve that promotion.  So, it’s time for me to move on.  I’m hoping to get a job in New Castle, and have been working with a head hunter.  I won’t say more, but I’m waiting to see what happens.

Another thing…as soon as the doctor clears me on March 18th, I’m going back on Weight Watchers to lose the last 25 pounds.  It’s time to get to my goal weight.

Lots of changes.  It’s time to move on.  Let’s do it.

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2 thoughts on “Rough Week and All Full of Emotions

  1. Good luck with absolutely everything! You would think that having the crap of cancer thrown at you that the universe would throw us all a bone and say, “ok, here is your dream job, house, body, life, etc.” I’m sure your scan will be fine! Hang in there!

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