Mixed Feelings

Tomorrow (well, actually as soon as I take the steroids tonight) begins my last cycle of chemo.  Knock wood, it will be my last cycle of chemo ever, provided this sandwich therapy works like it should.  I find out tomorrow when my next scan is scheduled and hopefully I will remain cancer free.

Tomorrow begins the day that I have finally waited for – the day I can go back to “normal.”

Ever since this started, I feel like my life has been on a hiatus.  Everything is scheduled for “after my treatments” or “when your treatments are over.”  I don’t feel as if I have been living in the here and now.  My life is essentially “on hold.”

And I’m thrilled that as of tomorrow, with the last of my chemo cycles, I can go back to “normal.”

Well, at least I can in a few weeks.

But I’m also hesitant about tomorrow.  Chemo has been getting worse and worse as each cycle passes.  I’m having a harder and harder time snapping back.  I mean, I am used to feeling like shit for a week after chemo.  And I know that the nausea and migraine will go away.  But the fatigue and joint pain, well, it isn’t getting better.  Chemo attacks your weakest spot.  And for me, that is my joints. I have long suffered from degenerative bone disorder.  I have horrible arthritis.  And the chemo isn’t getting any better.  I know now that I will require a third (and possibly fourth) knee surgery in the next year.  My left knee, thanks to chemo is back to bone on bone.  And my right knee, where I had donor cartilage implanted last year, has been destroyed from the chemo as it has attacked the newly growing cells.

But I’m going to be done.

I’m happy and scared all at the same time.  I am not looking forward to how this will make me feel.  I’m scared that after all of this torture – this six months of my life that have been “on hold” that the cancer will come back.  I have spent the past six months in a war.  Fighting the cancer, and the unknown.

And now, now that I am on the precipice of being done, I have a bunch of emotions floating around that I can’t reconcile.

Yay I’m done!  I’m going to get back to “normal.”

But for how long?  And how crippling has this chemo really been to my system?

Don’t get me wrong.  I am thankful that I am at the end of this long long road.  I just want to make sure it’s really the end, know what I mean?

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