Chemo is Finito!!

Finished my last chemo yesterday and today I am feeling very rough.  But hopefully I am done treatments!

I saw Dr. Rao yesterday.  He is not clearing me to return to work until I see him again on the 18th.  I have another scan on the 8th.  Surprisingly it will be my last.  Dr. Rao does not do repeat scans unless there are signs and symptoms.  He did, however, do an exam…my first one since brachytherapy.  It was hugely painful, but quick.  He told me I didn’t have to use the dialator until I recover from this final round of chemo.

So keep sending remission prayers.  Prayers that I am at the end of this part of my journey.  It is time to move on!

Mixed Feelings

Tomorrow (well, actually as soon as I take the steroids tonight) begins my last cycle of chemo.  Knock wood, it will be my last cycle of chemo ever, provided this sandwich therapy works like it should.  I find out tomorrow when my next scan is scheduled and hopefully I will remain cancer free.

Tomorrow begins the day that I have finally waited for – the day I can go back to “normal.”

Ever since this started, I feel like my life has been on a hiatus.  Everything is scheduled for “after my treatments” or “when your treatments are over.”  I don’t feel as if I have been living in the here and now.  My life is essentially “on hold.”

And I’m thrilled that as of tomorrow, with the last of my chemo cycles, I can go back to “normal.”

Well, at least I can in a few weeks.

But I’m also hesitant about tomorrow.  Chemo has been getting worse and worse as each cycle passes.  I’m having a harder and harder time snapping back.  I mean, I am used to feeling like shit for a week after chemo.  And I know that the nausea and migraine will go away.  But the fatigue and joint pain, well, it isn’t getting better.  Chemo attacks your weakest spot.  And for me, that is my joints. I have long suffered from degenerative bone disorder.  I have horrible arthritis.  And the chemo isn’t getting any better.  I know now that I will require a third (and possibly fourth) knee surgery in the next year.  My left knee, thanks to chemo is back to bone on bone.  And my right knee, where I had donor cartilage implanted last year, has been destroyed from the chemo as it has attacked the newly growing cells.

But I’m going to be done.

I’m happy and scared all at the same time.  I am not looking forward to how this will make me feel.  I’m scared that after all of this torture – this six months of my life that have been “on hold” that the cancer will come back.  I have spent the past six months in a war.  Fighting the cancer, and the unknown.

And now, now that I am on the precipice of being done, I have a bunch of emotions floating around that I can’t reconcile.

Yay I’m done!  I’m going to get back to “normal.”

But for how long?  And how crippling has this chemo really been to my system?

Don’t get me wrong.  I am thankful that I am at the end of this long long road.  I just want to make sure it’s really the end, know what I mean?

Phew…Busy

Today has been a busy day, but so far it has been full of accomplishments.

So far, I have redone my resume, my hubby’s resume, gotten on Monster.com and send many of his resumes out, paid bills, grocery shopped and put away stuff, applied for an extension on my short-term (chemo Monday), and cleaned out my work email.

I’m also quite pissed off about one of those work emails, but I won’t post about that here, because, well, it’s pointless and I don’t want to get in trouble.

Chemo Monday – my last one.  Yay!

Yesterday we went to see my Mom in the afternoon, and I got a few new clothes to wear back to work in a few weeks, and picked up some new golf shirts for Bob because his were old and starting to look it.  We also went out to dinner.  I wasn’t able to eat much, but will tear up the rest of it this afternoon.

And that’s what’s going on here…busy busy busy.

But now, it’s nap time.

Here We Go Again

My hair loss had slowed and nearly stopped about two weeks ago, but here I am 16 days after my second treatment and it started again.

Last time around I shaved my head, but this time we just buzzed it close.  I still have hair.  I have always had really thick hair, and the loss isn’t obvious.  Well, I have no hair in my pubic region, under arms or on my legs, but the hair loss on head is probably really only evident to me.  But it is a lot.  We buzzed it because it makes less of a mess when falling out. 

I hate not having hair.  I know it will grow back, and for years I sported a short pixie, but just before my diagnosis, I had finally gotten my hair to the length I wanted it.  So the hair loss for me is difficult.  Additionally, it is the most outward evidence that I have a cancer diagnosis.  And that it something that is hard to deal with…even now, six months later.  I may be in remission, but it still hangs over my head like a little dark cloud. 

But I have one treatment left.  And then a scan.  And maybe by my birthday my curls will be back.

I’m In Shock

This has nothing to do with cancer.

I am a huge Downton Abbey fan.  Huge.  Never ever miss it.  And I didn’t miss last night’s Season 3 finale.  I had done well on avoiding all the spoilers but my husband had read ahead.  He mentioned to me weeks ago that some one on the show dies.  I thought we got that out of the way a few weeks ago when Sybil died.

And then last night happened.

I am in shock.

I know it was a contract dispute, but they could have re-cast the role.

And now I have to wait a whole year for season 4.

Sigh.

Shock.  Shock!