I consider Phase I my hysterectomy.
And it was no fun.
Phase II – the first three cycles of chemo.
A whole lot less fun. A. Whole. Lot. Less.
Radiation, and adding a bit of normalcy back to my routine. Tomorrow, I go back to work. Tuesday, I start radiation. Which will be a whole lot less miserable than chemo. Except for when I have the Braecheotherapy (internal radiation – which will be Not. Much. Fun.)
I’m ready to go back to work. I’m ready to add a little routine and consistency from my LBC (Life Before Cancer). I am treating today as a normal Sunday – scurrying around, getting things ready for the work week. I’m planning our weekly meals (tomorrow is crockpot chicken casserole), I’m baking our weekly supply of bread (and some rolls to put in the freezer for Thanksgiving), I’m packing my work bag, planning what I will wear, getting together a week’s worth of pills and supplements, getting ready to pack lunch.
It feels good to feel a bit normal.
I’m sure work will wear me out. It wore me out before my surgery. Of course, I had cancer then and didn’t know it, which explains why for a year I was in pain, not feeling myself, and then there was that whole month of July when we thought I had some unknown virus and in reality the cancer was taking over my lymph nodes. I know radiation will wear on me – fatigue is a side effect – and so will work. But I want that kind of fatigue. The fatigue I have felt the past two months has been a yucky kind – from worry and chemo and having days full of nothing but thinking about cancer.
I did make a decision though – I will no longer be pushing myself at work to get to that next level. I think for now I am just ready to get up, go to work, and come home. A job is a job. I have a steady paycheck and insurance. Moving up in the company is no longer one of those big goals. My goals now are to live life. And exhausting myself at work is going to stand in my way.
So, come on normal. I’m waiting for you to start. Of course, what we all know and haven’t said out loud is that my normal will be a new normal. My new normal involves living with a battle against cancer. Not just now, but always. But I’m going to make that just a part of my normal. Living life, well, that’s going to be the bigger part.