Stuck In The Middle With You

So, I have officially reached that point in my short term disability where I’m going crazy from the boredom.  And sadly, normally I don’t mind staying home.  In fact, I think I was born to be a stay at home wife.  But that’s because usually, when I’m stuck at home, I can get out and do things.

Chemo treatment is different.

I’m currently at my most vulnerable phase of my chemo – where my immune system is at its lowest.  So I have to avoid people and things outside of my immediate family.  When I do go out, I’m armed with hand sanitizer.  But mostly, I’m stuck here at home.

And I’m going nucking futs.

This past week has been rough.  I’ve not felt well, and I’ve had to deal with Met Life.  Well, argue with Met Life.  Who finally, FINALLY, saw the light and approved my short-term disability through November 4th.  Thank goodness.  Because yeah.  But on top of that, I have felt like poo.  And that means I haven’t felt like doing much of anything, but even then the bored hits.   Like a brick.

I like to be busy.  Even if I’m home, I’m cooking, or cleaning, or knitting or crafting something.  Or reading.  But because I haven’t felt that well this week, even that stuff hasn’t looked entertaining.  I feel too bad to concentrate.  I don’t want to cook.  The thought of concentrating on a book or a yarn pattern are out of the question.  So I’ve laid around this week whining (sadly, yes, I have whined) being bored with everything.  My poor husband, do send him coping thoughts.

Today I feel better, but I have cabin fever.  Way back, months ago, BC (Before Cancer), we had planned on going to our trailer this weekend to celebrate our 5th anniversary which is tomorrow.  And all of our friends are going down.  And I’m so sad that we can’t.  Unfortunately, I have to avoid the place because of the potential exposure to mold and germs.  As well, my step-daughters’ grandmother’s birthday is today, and they had planned a birthday party for her tomorrow.  We were invited, but can’t go because I can’t stand exposure to germs.  And it is at the Golden Corrale, which to me is yucky anyway.  I told Bob to go so he could see his daughter, but he doesn’t want to bring something home to me.  So not only am I trapped here, so is he.

And I’m so bored.

I have rekindled my interest in Pinterest.  That is probably NOT a good thing, but I do have some great ideas for Christmas presents now.  I don’t plan on shopping this year – don’t want to take the risk of getting sick – but I just don’t have the energy yet to do these ideas.  And I want to bake.  And knit.  But meh.  But Pinterest is getting my interest.  Today I found some cute ideas for gift baskets, and found a recipe for no bake nutella cheesecake (omnomnom) and sugar free coconut custard pie.  I love coconut custard.

Soon, I’ll feel like doing these things again, and that’s when I will have cycle number 3.  Yay.

On a totally different note, I was amused this week at chemo.  I met with the nutritionist (who thankfully is not a stick – I hate that).  I had not requested to talk to her, but someone mis-entered my weight as 125.  Oh dear lord I wish.  And she actually asked my why I had lost so much weight.  I just looked at her.  Um, clearly, I don’t weigh 125 my dear.  Maybe my left thigh.  In actuality, I had gained weight from my last appointment.  Which was to my dismay.  You see, I am in a pinch here.  I am right around 200 pounds.  Which in retrospect, compared to what I weighed three years ago (331) is great, but I’m still 40 pounds from my goal weight of 160.  The nutritionist and my oncologist have scolded me.  They don’t want me to lose weight.

Which puts me in a bit of a catch 22.  You see, they want me to maintain my weight, which is hard enough to do when you don’t feel like eating.  But on top of that, a result of the hysterectomy has been that my pouch was reminded of how much I can eat and exactly what causes me to dump.  They want me to eat lots of high fat foods.  But my body doesn’t process them.  They want me to eat high calorie but low carb.  Ummmm….my brain can’t wrap around that.  They told me to eat six small meals a day (which I can do) but to eat high calorie.  But my body doesn’t process high calorie.  What doesn’t cause me to dump, my body doesn’t process.  So, I have tried making changes this week – I’ve switched my fat free half and half for full fat heavy whipping cream (as per their direction) but I haven’t felt like drinking coffee, so I’ve added some of it to my protein shakes.  Chocolate hasn’t tasted good (Chemo plays havoc with your taste buds).  And of course, every time I’ve eaten (until today) it has made me feel pukey.

And alas, according to the scale this morning, I was down weight.  Which I originally went “yay!  under 200” to “uh oh, my doctor is going to be mad.”

I’m having a hard time reconciling all this in my brain.

And finally, I need to talk about my step-daughters and my grandkids.

You see, I have the best in the world.  Jess, who is Lani and Braelyn’s Mama texted me the other night while I was at a pretty low spot.  She wanted to know when it would be safe to come by with the kids because they need to give me a hug.  Aww…  ❤  I told them to come by the weekend of the 20th – that will be the safest.  And then last night, we got a text from Kelly out in Indiana – she’s Maddie and Kelsi’s Mama.  Maddie, who is 6, got off the bus yesterday and told her Mom, “I’m sad for Grammie B.”  Dayum I love that kid.  LOVE LOVE LOVE her.  She’s so far away, but she’s still thinking of me.  That little one has my heart big time, I tell ya.

So, in a nutshell, I’m bored, I miss my grandkids, and I have to figure out now how NOT to lose weight.


Will all of this get easier?


3 thoughts on “Stuck In The Middle With You

  1. Oh the boredom! I know it well. Too tired to do anything, yet so bored! Daytime TV… ugh! When you’re well you assume that being ill involves being kinda busy with… well… being ill. The truth is your head carries on needing entertainment as much as ever, but your cursed body stops you being able to do anything about it.

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