Like A Caged Tiger

The face on this kitty, let’s just say I haz it.

I’m getting horribly cranky from being stuck in this house.  I can not drive.  I have no energy.  I am tired of feeling like poop.  I want to feel back to normal.  This hysterectomy sucked, yo.

Today I begged Bob to just please take me to my mom’s for a while today.  I had cabin fever and had to get out of this bloody house.  So, he did.  We went up and had lunch.  And my mom took me out to the drug store so I could get some weapons for my menopause arsenal.  More on that in a minute.  Oh, and chocolate.  Because that is the best drug ever.

It was nice getting out to my mom’s today, but it did take a lot out of me.  I was wiped by the time we left for home.  And heaped upon with guilt.  It sucks to watch my  mother have to go through a cancer diagnosis for her third child.  I can not imagine how she is taking this.  She watched my Dad get eaten by colon cancer before I was two.  Then my sister Natalie had it when she was in her 30s (nearly a 20 year survivor now), and then my oldest sister Betsy died from ovarian cancer in 99.  I think it is safe to say I have lynch syndrome.  I feel like absolute shit for putting my mom through this for the 4th time.  No one should have to go through this even once.  Not for a husband, a wife, a sister, a brother, a child, a parent….and this is my mother’s fourth (fifth if you count my granny who had endometrial cancer back in the 40s) go round with this evil disease.

I shouldn’t feel guilty.  It’s not like I went out to Macy’s and said, “Hmm…this summer looks boring…I think I’ll pick up a bag of endometrial cancer today.”  But still, it’s there.  I AM putting her through this.  Me.  I’m putting her through it, and my sister, and my husband, and my step-daughters, and my beautiful grandbabies.  And there is guilt.

But I digress.  As I said, it was nice getting to see my Mom.  She was a bit alarmed at the small amount I ate for lunch, but as I said, this surgery has reminded my bionic pouch of its job.  I’m back to being able to hold 1/2c to 3/4c of food at a time – right where I should be just after bypass surgery, and certainly not 3 years out.  BUT, I was able to eat too much, and reminded myself that slider foods go down easier than protein.  I’m concentrating on protein, but still, it’s slow going.

We sat around my mom’s for a bit.  She showed me the latest pictures of my grand-nephew Keegan who turned two last week.  We chatted about my upcoming doctor’s appointment.  We talked about how her knees are bothering her (she won’t have her knee replaced until I’m done treatment – doesn’t want to “bother” anyone – le sigh).  We stayed a few hours and then she sent me home with a care package.  And slipped $20 in my purse for “gas and tolls.”  I explained to her that I get 13 weeks at 100% pay with short-term on my job, but she still made me take it.  She also gave me a check for a new Kindle Fire – for my b-day coming up in two weeks.  We had already discussed that, but she can’t figure out how to order from amazon, so she gave me the money to get it and I’ll order when the new ones are released Thursday.

We also discussed my miserable night sweats, which are unfortunately screwing with my sleep patterns.  UGH.  I have done some more research (I’m not permitted to take the black cohosh due to the cancer diagnosis – they don’t know how the herbs will affect the cancer cells) and found that if I increase my b-complex and take 400 units of E a day it may help.  Bring it.  I got some today.

I also got my favorite therapy – lindt dark chocolate with chili.  Have you had this?

Food of the gods.  And 4 squares is under my sugar “dumping” limit.  OMG this shiz is amazing.  LOVE IT.  And it was on sale (normally $2.50 a bar – today, $1.99 – score!).  I could freebase this stuff.  I also like the sea salt dark chocolate (also lindt) – so freaking good.

It was nice getting out, but now I’m wiped.  I haven’t wanted to take naps because it will screw with my night sleep, but my doctor said that sleeping is when I heal, and if I’m up at 3am, then so be it.  Turn on the tv, read, whatever, and nap when I can.  So that’s my plan.

We have two more outing days this week.  Tomorrow we’re heading to the grocery store to tank up the car and pick up some granola bars for our marathon hospital day, Thursday – my third outing of the week.  Thursday is my CT scan.

And on that note, I ask for remission thoughts…  🙂


One thought on “Like A Caged Tiger

  1. Wishing you lots of chocolate…it does seem to help and you deserve it…eat when you’re hungry, sleep when you’re tired…make this time all about you. Its okay…in many years, if you get your annual cancer screenings, when you’re old and gray, you will look back on this and at your children and grandchildren and tell them how lucky you all were…because, today, we live—its gets easier. I can promise you that. And if you need us, we are here… Just shoot us an email! In the meantime, write…keep writing…its a good thing. Hugs, Linda

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